Psalm 42:11

Psalm 42:11

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. (ESV)

Psalm 42:11. That passage is found in the opening chapter of a book by a Welsh Protestant Minister by the name of Martin Lloyd Jones. His book is titled by Spiritual Depression. Spiritual depression seems to occur in the life of every believer from time to time and lately it seems to have caught up to me a few times this year. Before I get to that topic. It just seems nice just to be alone by myself and take care of chores around the apartment like laundry and cleaning up the car and myself especially:P. This day I feel so "holy" not to brag or anything, I just have been investing in a lot of spiritual books or resources today.

Just lately,I realize or I personally feel that sometimes any church that people attend to just because people say its good or the pastor is good in terms of his exposition or his style of preaching that captivates his audience that they just tend to place value on that particular individual. I am not advocating by any way saying that we don't need pastors, of course we do. Throughout the NT, the bible talks about how their are different roles in the church especially those in teaching the church as addressed in the church of Corinth. But the thing to know is that the Corinthian church, seemed to value individuals idolizing them such as the debate among the Corinthians "O who is better Paul,or Apollos, etc."? We can do that in today's context, for those of us who go to good bible based teaching churches with a lot of resources and pastors who faithfully preach the word.

We have preachers as such as Macarthur, Piper, and Mahaney, etc. Especially we hear them on audio or when they preach at the Resolved Conference. These men are the contemporary reformers of our time and they are worthy of respect for preaching the word faithfully and accurately. The thing is though, there is just one thing about me and them. I don't agree with everything that they hold. Some of their theology, from what I see in scripture I don't agree with because I feel some of their opinions are not consistent with what scripture teaches. I feel as if I can agree with a lot of Macarthur's theology. I feel as if its the most consistent with what scripture teaches. However, the same issue is brought up. I don't agree with Macarthur on everything. I feel as if he can be really prideful and biased and sometimes dogmatic with the things he emphasizes whether its cessationism sometimes or especially his philosophy of ministry. I just feel Macarthur is not a culturally sensitive guy and he emphasizes that a lot in his philosophy of ministry. Its as if he is almost a separatist in a sense. There might have been some aspects in church history where the separatist sense had its moments of failures while at the same time being too culturally relevant while sacrificing the main doctrines is especially harmful as well.

The point is that lately, I realize I don't agree with everyone and I mean Everyone, word for word esp when it comes to a theological issue but the thing though is that even though that I might not agree with everyone about everything esp the worlds best bible teaching pastors of the day that I respect them for advocating the truth and trying to do their best in preaching the word. And that applies to me today still, I don't agree with certain a certain theology that people hold to and I feel as if somehow people just mindlessly listen to a pastor whenever he preaches and just soaks it in like a sponge. Not to say I am good at this, but honestly, be discerning, just because "o that pastor speaks well he is eloquent his church has a lot of people" doesn't mean you have to follow him word for word. Who knows, he might be a wolf in sheeps clothing. Look to the Word of God and see with what he is teaching is consistent with what the Bible says. Secondary issues, well its what I am dealing with the most I suppose, to me its a matter of developing your own theology, some people would question me wow your challenging that Pastor? Honestly, you think Pastors are the word of God instead of the actual bible. You have your heads messed up if you think that way either explicitly or subtlely. Thats why prayer is important because they are sinful just like you and I that we need to pray for them that whatever they preach on the pulpit is from the word and not their own wisdom. Don't be suckered in brainlessly.

Sorry, about that rant, just needed to get that off my chest. I just have been going through a lot of changes about how I feel about the bible like developing my own opinion and thought but its not like I am going to challenge people and usurp them. Although there is a time that the major doctrines such as the gospel must be preached faithfully and people need to step in or do something if heretical doctrine is preached of any sort. Besides changes, I just feel glad to have a book by book bible survey by Macarthur in understanding various contexts of various books in the bible it is quite amazing. Especially with a little bit of side reading by Jerry Bridges, Trusting In God Even When Life Hurts, a book the bridges points to various passages of the Sovereignty of God with various examples. Its something that I need in these dark times right now, well I wouldn't say darkness just questioning and some emotional distress. A lot of my distress is the future and dealing with change.

This campus ministry CCM has been a part of my life so much with the people and relationships that I made. Its like family to me and to part with them. I just feel so lonely and isolated. This year, I realized that everyone has faults which goes back to previous rants. I was foretold about this but I just didn't seem to listen but I guess I had to learn it the hard way. I don't know if its me or the circumstances but its nice to have these relationships but somehow I could get hurt and it esp hurts sometimes when its by a close friend sometimes. I guess no one hurted me that bad, its just the issue of leaving these relationships behind. For me personally as I visited Lighthouse Bible Church to see my old hs friends and met up with Pastor John Kim. Pastor John, I could definitely relate to him. Just having a tough childhood growing up in an environment where your culturally different.

I wasn't your typical Korean American kid grown up in a Korean community like Diamond Bar. Both Pastor John and I grew up in culturally different neighborhoods where we were subject of being made fun of. During his hour of expository preaching, he would make funny noises by imitating a child's voice crying Mommy to illustrate a point in his sermon. When I attended his discussion about the book Spiritual Depression he would use the issue of spiritual discontentment and he used examples of how kids would cry when they didn't get what they wanted to a point where parents would have them on leashes. A lil bit crude but it gets his point across. Some might consider him incredibly dogmatic, but to me he just seems to remind me of myself a lot of ways having random asian moments and goofy but at the same time being dogmatic about the essentials of Christianity. He spoke about the topic of why we as Christians go to church and I was surprised that such a man like him would complain about the church so much.

Both of us have had bad church experiences. For me, I lost some of my old church friends to apostacy. Caring about Christ just seems to be the last thing on their mind and its really heartbreaking especially what happened at my old church. I just feel disillusioned in a lot of ways about church commitment especially after what happened. Church biblically speaking is of great importance of course than the campus ministry. It is extremely hard though. The people that I met here in college in CCM have been like family to me. I miss my mentors from CCM who have graduated last year who played such a big role in my walk. I especially miss my sg leader and my sg to death and wish that we would never part ways especially as I make such a big decision for my future as a senior. To be honest, it was CCM that taught me how to study the word of God expositionally and accurately and know all sort of theology and doctrine.

Following Jesus just seemed so easy when your young, but after in college it just seems hard. Macarthur puts it "Salvation is a gift and yet it costs everything". I am just dealing with a lot of spiritual discontentment in terms of church commitment and parting from the relationships I made in college and question God's sovereignty and blame God as to why church the bride of Christ can be harmful and damaging whether its feeling left out, quarreling, tolerance of sin, loss of friends and even splits. Its emotionally damaging. And as I think about post college life, my views are not quite optimistic in fact, I feel as if I am stuck in a spiritual rut. As of right now, I feel as if ccm is quite the family I have had for some time, but once its gone because of reasons why I don't understand I just feel like a kid coming out of a broken home with a lot of heartache and sorrow and can only blame God and think why he is playing such a cruel joke on me with this huge gap in my heart.

Sorry, if I am being emotional but its just these tough decisions as a senior and the emotional pain that comes from parting ways especially coming from pain of loss when it comes to church. Like, I just feel as if no one cares or understands how I feel like its an issue where you can develop distrust for any people and you feel as if people are just manipulative smiling but somehow they backstab you. I guess its easy for me to fall into that temptation and after all these emotional things when might think I am psycho but its a lot of emotional baggage that is built up. Its easy to respond to emotion such as anger or sadness.

I remember a testimony by an individual from the Masters seminary who went through a lot of emotional suffering pleading with God to help him but he felt abandoned by God. Macarthur spoke that God doesn't answer verbally but circumstantially and providentially. God used this individual mightily for God's glory and kingdom. I am not optimistic about my future with a lot of baggage and weight of past emotional scars and now. Man may help but they will eventually fail you. As I am trying to figure out my identity, in a lot of ways I just feel as if sometimes I am not even a Korean or an individual. I am seeking for a destiny beyond that of your average Christian. The only individual I can trust 100% is Christ and his word, no one or nothing else should compete for that trust and that can only come by prayer and reading.